i've been looking at the "traffic" on my blog lately and it was JUST as i expected- once i blocked my mom on facebook so she couldn't see my profile and blog link.. my traffic MYSTERIOUSLY went DOWN. if she really cared about me- she'd remember the url to my blog off the top of her head ESPECIALLY since she views it so much a day. 5 views on sunday.. 3 views on saturday.. and a hell of a lot more views BEFORE that. misery loves company. she's anxious to see someone who came from the same place she did doing just as bad as her and she's looking to be inspired (because she's a sad, ignorant little woman). i told my psychologist that one of my biggest fears was to turn out EXACTLY like she is. my psychologist disregarded it immediately, trying to reassure me that i'm NOTHING like my mom. she said that i actually work jobs and put myself out there. she said that anytime i have bad thoughts about becoming like my mom- i was supposed to picture putting the thoughts in a briefcase and shoving the briefcase on the back of the highest shelf in my closet- outta sight, outta mind. i'm not her or my fat sister's form of entertainment and/or amusement. i was thinking about this and i honestly think my mom is partially to blame for me running off to new york and getting in a car accident. i was using the stupid excuse of confidence i got from her to motivate me to take the opportunity to run off without telling anyone. i also more than likely felt like it's not like i had much to lose if anything bad happened- seeing as my mom shows absolutely NO concern about me if it doesn't have to do with her selfish ass. same goes for the rest of my family except joe and jay.
i really hope i get the job tomorrow. i hope i'm not forgetting anything- i'm gonna have ics assist me to make sure i'm prepared for the interview tomorrow. i think back to the last job i was working at the hotel and just going in for training and i ended up quitting because the guy who was training me complained to some women that worked at the hotel also about how he didn't see how the supervisor expected him to train me because "look at her." so i'm guessing he's referring to the fact i use a cane to walk because i don't see anything else that would prevent me from working adequately. i wonder if i should've told his supervisor about that comment instead of quitting but i didn't really like the fact that another worker was talking about the worker he was training in and felt comfortable enough to basically insult me before really seeing what i can and can't do.
then i always think about how a lady who works at sabathani community center called me and asked me if i took any aptitude or skills tests to see my strengths at working. i KNOW i've taken tests like this before and i told my job coach and she killed the idea and said, "i'd have to have you sign a release of information and talk to my supervisor." then i said, "fine. i'll sign a release of information." and i called her supervisor at least TWICE and left him voicemails about this and got ZERO responses. i don't really understand the fuckin point of volunteering for a place if there's no promotion to the job and i'm not getting ANYTHING whatsoever besides experience from the job. i have a feeling that the lady from sabathani spoke to her supervisor and he seen how well i work first hand experience and told her to contact me to see if they can move me to another more hands-on position because the supervisor has actually seen me working first hand experience a few times at the front desk. however- I'M NOT GONNA GET ANYWHERE WITH SAD EXCUSES OF EMPLOYMENT COACHES LIKE THIS. people wonder why i'm so pissed off with things at times. i can't do ANYTHING with my fuckin life that actually makes me look like an actual SUCCESSFUL person. i get held back from excelling to a place I want because it's inconvenient for others or because they don't think i should get opportunities if they don't (even if I AM the one doing all the work).
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